Ways to Try to Come Together in 2019

2018 was a brutal year for separating people of different ideologies. Here are some strategies for trying to unite people. And, yes, uniting people is a worthwhile goal. Positive energy is healthier than negative energy, and if you gain an ally, they might be there in your time of need, and they might even do a 180 and start promoting some of the same beliefs as your own. You won’t be able to change everyone and you may have to choose who you try to change, but if you show respect, you can change some people. While most of the tips below are about direct behaving, some points are about how you may be perceived when you behave a certain way in public.

This document is a work in progress and will likely be added to/modified as more thoughts occur to me.

·        Don’t treat everyone with an opposing viewpoint as the enemy. Remember, it’s likely that from their perspective that they’re the ones on the side of good, and if you treat them as the enemy, you’ll be on the side of bad to them.

·        No name calling. Few if any people change their minds because someone called them a rude name.

·        Likewise avoid sarcasm where possible, acidy sarcasm even more so than playful sarcasm (even there use caution; humour doesn’t always translate well). You might have some valid points, but if you spew venom, people will tune out your points.

·        Don’t justify bad actions by what the other side does. As the old saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right. Likewise, don’t say that one person’s actions are okay people because are ignoring another person’s actions. It’s okay to start a separate debate/thread on the other individual on your own if you think they’re being overlooked somehow.

·        Ask questions to understand, not to conquer. If you ask questions so you can respond with a “Now I got you”, they’ll resent it and likely firmly cement their position. However, if you ask to understand, they might warm up to you even if they still disagree because they feel they’re being heard.

·        Don’t base all your beliefs on partisanship. It’s only to lean one direction politically but have some beliefs on the other side of the political spectrum. In fact that makes you more rounded.

·        Remember that the goal isn’t to see how far you can get to one side of the political spectrum or the aaother. In fact if you go too far, the moderates on your own side might start to distance themselves from you and even apologize on your behalf whether you want them to or not.

·        Make yourself available to answer questions from the other side, and answer politely. If they are genuinely curious about your perspective, that’s a very good thing.

·        It’s okay to take a neutral stance on a particular topic, either because you don’t know the answer or because you can see both sides. It means you are thinking before making a firm decision.

·        Most people are complex and have contradictory elements, so if you see an apparent contradiction, don’t call them a hypocrite. Instead point out the contradiction and ask them how they reconcile the two beliefs. There might be some nuance you’re missing.

·        Don’t be afraid of the other side changing your mind. That will only happen if they actually have a valid point, which means you’re open to new ideas and growing as a person.

·        Use caution when using emotions in your arguments. Your intensity might scare people into hiding their opinions. Stick to facts when possible.

·        Paraphrase things back to them in sentences that show you are trying to understand them, e.g. “If I understand you correctly…” You might indeed be missing something, and sometimes people reconsider points when they’re reflected back at them.

·        Where possible, assume their coming from a good place and have no ulterior motives. If you tell them that when they say x they must mean y and z, you’ve likely lost them, especially if they mean no such thing. This again is where emotions can be a liability. You can work yourself up into imagining the other side saying things they aren’t/believing things they don’t.

·        Don’t assume that two people on the same side believe the exact same things. What might on the surface appear to be hypocrisy might actually be one person believing one thing and another person on the same side of the political spectrum believing something different. Neither side of the political spectrum is one mass engaging in group think.

·        Likewise, avoid fearing “the Other”. People eat, drink, sleep, poop, etc.  The person with a different ideology isn’t some sort of alien whose traits can’t be discerned by humans.

·        While it can be tiring making the same points over and over, keep in mind that arguments you’ve made in the past might not have reached the person you are currently debating with. There are rarely shortcuts in trying to change multiple people.

·        Use caution with humour. While it can make an argument fun and used correctly can help people warm to you, you should try not to demean the other person’s perspective in the process. Do use humour, but be smart about it, and be aware that you might be using it on an unsympathetic audience.

·        Even if you find someone’s beliefs appalling, keep in mind that they might be struggling over the idea that something they’ve believed all their lives could be wrong. Be respectful of that (and not in a way that might seem condescending).

·        Don’t try to silence other opinions. If you do, they’ll simply find like-minded people to state their opinions to. There are of course special circumstances like someone inciting violence, but where you can, fight for people’s rights to state opinions you find appalling. If you do, the person you disagree with might respect you, and you’ve planted a seed in them.

·        Unless a study has been reproduced multiple times, when quoting stats, don’t assume they’re the be all and end all. Stats can be manipulated, and things like sample size, age/race/gender/location of sample group, etc. are important.

·        Even when using stats that have held across multiple sources, use caution when applying them to celebrities. Some celebrities use their fame to hide things, and in recent years, things that have been going on for years have been unearthed. Conversely celebrities might be more prone to false accusations from people (e.g. because the accuser wishes to enter the talk show circuit). Also people can read what other people have written when accusing celebrities, something that is rare with someone in the public. So things can skew the stats in either direction where celebrities are concerned.

·        While it’s okay to be aware of the cultural forces that might shape someone’s opinion, don’t dismiss their opinion as being shaped by those forces, at least not directly do them. While that might be true in part, they may see it differently. People tune out if their beliefs are treated as a symptom of a problem.

·        Remember that what might work in an academic setting might come across as condescending or elitist in the non-academic world. In whatever environment you’re in, consider what respect means. In some places political correctness might be seen as respectful, but in other venues it might actually come across as disrespectful.

·        While everyone is entitled to some safe spaces for their opinions and feelings, keep in mind that not every place is such a place. Facebook pages, academic institutions, etc. are places for debate and if you state an opinion there, people have the right to counter-argue.

·        If a debate isn’t working out for you, thank them for the debate and politely state why you are exiting the debate. If online, turn off notifications if the debate is stirring things up inside.

·        Don’t judge a person’s merit on their religious beliefs or lack thereof. There are noble people and a-holes across all religious beliefs, including atheism.

·        Avoid calling for the deaths of someone or celebrating their deaths in forums where supporters might be around. It just makes you seem bloodthirsty.

·        If a joke from a celebrity doesn’t “land”, criticize the behaviour but don’t try to end their careers.

·        Where possible, if you don’t like a particular behaviour, focus on the actions and not the person, unless the person’s full track record sums up their character to the point where the person can’t be ignored.
·         If a person's contrary opinion is out of pain, show compassion for their pain even if you are sticking to your guns. Conversely, try not to allow your own pain to colour your opinion of an entire group, unless it's overtly a hate group.

·        Note where someone you dislike or even hate does something right. It reinforces good behaviour and makes it seem like you’re looking at the person objectively and being true to your belief system rather than modifying it according to what the person does. In doing so, if someone claims you’re too partisan about them, you can offer counter-examples.

·        No matter how horrible a person on the other side is, don’t make fun of their appearance. It’s a cheap shot and if the person really is bad, there are more important things to worry about.

·        Don’t say or do something just to get a rise out of the other side. It’s pretty easy to do on both sides of the political spectrum, but the cost of that brief moment of satisfaction is the further widening the gulf between two sides.

·        Try not to get too pessimistic. If you give us trying to reach the other side because it seems too hopeless, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

·        If you can source your arguments, that’s great. Do allow the other side to explain their issue with a particular source.

·        Recognize that both sides have their conspiracy theories. Even if you believe one of them, stick to what can be easily verified and try to avoid areas that are open to interpretation.

I hope that some of the above resonates with people. When writing that, I tried to consider what both sides of the political spectrum do that hurt their causes. Feel free to comment on these points and what does and does not make sense to you. Also feel free to offer suggestions for additions. If I feel a point is fair, I’ll add it to an update.